未來的路 The Future Journey

(↓↓↓ English scroll down ↓↓↓)

讀了博士班幾年，就漸漸越來越發現到，其實這根本就不是我應該要走的路。我，根本都不是讀書的料，只是偶爾有些小聰明還有小幸運，讓我的考試都順利考得還不錯，讓我有可以直接晉升博士班的成績。但這卻不代表我有本事讀完博士班。你問…… 那為什麼要走這條路呢？答案，很簡單：

（一）我當時還不敢踏入社會；

（二）我聽取母親的建議，成為可以讓家庭驕傲的孩子。

可能你看到（二）的時候會覺得，你自己的人生啊，幹嘛這麼聽媽媽的話？但是啊，我的人生從小就是跟著母親走：母親覺得什麼好，我就說什麼好；母親覺得什麼是不對的，我也覺得那是不對的。當然，我也有叛逆期，叛逆的時候總是差點把我母親氣死了。但是徬徨無助，不知道該做什麼選擇的時候，還是會回到母親面前，尋求幫助，聽從她的建議。而且，周董不是也叫我們『聽媽媽的話』嗎？呵呵。（藉口）

這幾年下來，當然有很多人問我：你讀數學博士，以後要做什麼呢？起初我會說：我以後可以在大公司做研究啊！後來我的答案變成：我可以在大學做教授，穩定工作賺大錢！但是現在，我的答案變成：我不知道，但是，我可以在家裡穩定，做我愛做的事嗎？

我愛做的事請嗎？就是…… 畫畫啊、偶爾彈彈琴，唱唱歌，參加一些運動項目。若上帝恩典降臨，我和虎虎有神的產業，我也想在家裡，自己照顧孩子。

（有些朋友聽到我這麼說就會取笑我：哇！內裡想要生孩子了哦！內裡想到照顧孩子了哦！……到了這樣的年齡有這樣的想法，而且也在預備組織家庭了，有問題嗎？！*翻白眼*）

有社會經驗的人多數都會說我這樣的想法笨。做自己愛做的事情，能賺錢養活自己嗎？以後萬一家庭有什麼三長兩短，需要你擔當整個家，你沒有社會經驗，要怎樣養活自己呢？但是啊…… 這幾年的掙扎，真的讓我好累好累。我不想活在別人的期待當中。就算成功成為博士了，有那個名稱了，是啊，每個人都可以叫我Dr Ting，好本事，好了不起啊！但是，這是我想要的嗎？別人這樣叫了，我會更快樂嗎？可能我真的很笨，不懂的珍惜這些『社會銜頭』的重要性，讓人家『看得起我』的重要性，但是，就算擁有了全世界，你卻不快樂，或者活得更驕傲、更貪心，那，有什麼意義呢？

雖然說到最後，我還是不知道我的未來會是怎樣，但是我相信，上帝一定會一步一步的帶領着我。祂讓我走這些困難，讓我發現這一些，我覺得……這並不偶然。我盼望有一天，無論我是一位『高級』的博士教授或工作人士，還是『低級』的家庭主婦，都希望可以喜樂的、以一顆熱忱的心，來做神要我做的事。

若做『低級』的家庭主婦，卻可以好好的照顧孩子，又可以開心的畫畫、教琴賺些外快，也可以好好的照顧丈夫（丈夫排最後。噗～），也是一件幸福的事情啊！

回到現實……

先較勁腦子想辦法完成研究吧！

xoxo,

小雨內裡rainelly ♥

耶和華說：『我知道我向你們所懷的意念是賜平安的意念，不是降災禍的意念，要叫你們末後有指望。』
——耶利米書29章11節

✿✿✿✿✿ ❀❀❀❀❀ ✿✿✿✿✿ ❀❀❀❀❀ ✿✿✿✿✿ ❀❀❀❀❀

After studying PhD for several years, I slowly get to realize that, this isn't the path that I should walk in the first place. Just because I have some luck and maybe a tiny little smart, which made me managed to get first class degree in my Bachelor Degree, giving me the free ticket to fast-track to PhD, but that doesn't mean that I am suitable to be a PhD holder. If you ask, why I choose this path in the first place? My answers are easy:

(1) I wasn't ready to step into the society;

(2) I listened to my mother's advice, so I can be the proud child of my family.

Maybe you might think: It's your life, why do you have to listen to your mother? But, you know, all my life I've been following my mother: If she says something is good, I'll say it's good too; If she says it's bad, I will also say it's bad. Of course I rebelled before, and I almost broke her heart. But nevertheless, whenever I feel helpless and I need guidance in making choices, I always get back to her and ask for help.

All these years people had been asking: What do you wanna do after studying PhD in Maths? In the beginning I said: Well, I can do research in big companies! Later then my answers changed to: I can be a university lecturer and have a big, stable income! But now, my answers became: I don't know... But can I just stay at home and do the things I love?

The things I love? Ahh... Things like drawing, playing piano, singing, and joining some sports events... Things like that. And if God's blessings showers upon us, and allow me and Tora to have kids, I will want to stay at home, and take care of my own kids.

(Some of my friends laughed at me when they hear me saying this, and they said: Wow, Nelly wanted to have babies! Nelly is thinking about taking care of kids now!... Oh PLEASE, I'm in this age and getting ready to get married now, it's a normal thinking okay?!)

Some people with working experience also laughed at my thinking. Doing the things you love? Can it give you enough for a living? If something happens to your family and you have to take responsibility for the whole family. Without working experience, can you even save yourself? But... I really feel so tired after these years of struggling. I don't wanna live under other people's expectations. Even if I succeeded to get my PhD, yeah, right, people will call me Dr Ting, and wow, it sound so wonderful! But, is this what I wanted? Will I'll be happier if people do call me that? Maybe I'm really a fool for not understanding the importance of "Society Status" and let people look up on me. But even if I had the whole world, yet unhappy, or worst, live in an arrogant, greedy life, is that truly meaningful?

Even until the end, I still don't know what my future will be. Yet I believe, since God let me walk through these and let me realize all of these, He surely will hold on my hand and lead me step by step along this path. I hope that someday, no matter I am a "high class" lecturer or worker, or a "low class" housewife, I just hope that I'll live a happy life, and do everything with passion, on the job God gave me.

If being a "low class" housewife yet I still can take good care of my kids, enjoy some earning through drawing and teaching music, and also take care of my dear husband... It's also a life full of happiness!

Nevertheless, back to the reality:

I have to complete my research first!

xoxo,

小雨內裡rainelly ♥

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
—— Jeremiah 29:11